Time:
Anytime

Setting:
Outside Sears

Cast:
Lieutenant
Four policemen
Six SWAT team members
Farmer
ELF leader
ELF assistant

Props:
Police barricade
Police uniforms
SWAT uniforms
Loudspeaker
Drill
Blender
Iron
Various kitchen utensils (hand mixers, ladles, etc.)
Flag with the ELF insignia (The Golden Apple)

[Police barricade is set on left of stage. Four men in police uniforms are crouching behind the barricade. The Lieutenant walks in from stage left.]

Lieutenant: All right. What d'we got here?

Policeman 1: We're not quite sure yet sir. All we know is that someone has locked themselves in that building over there and has not yet made any attempt at communication.

Lieutenant: All right. What's that building?

Policeman 1: Sears sir.

Lieutenant: Sears? Who the hell would want to lock themselves up in Sears?

Policeman 1: I'm of the personal opinion that they're either home repair fanatics or Iraqi soldiers come the make a counter assault of our democratic society.

Lieutenant: Well . . . I happen to know that there's a home repair convention going on three blocks over so I think we can cross out that possibility.

Policeman 2: So you mean they're Iraqi soldiers.

Lieutenant: Uh . . .

Policeman 3: Iraqis in the U. S.? No way . . .

Lieutenant: Wait just a minute . . .

Policeman 4: Maybe they've come for the power tools.

Lieutenant: Now look . . .

Policeman 1: Power tools? What the devil would Iraqis want power tools for?

Lieutenant: Ah . . . excuse me . . .

Policeman 2: Perhaps they're trying to corner the market and undermine our capitalist society.

Lieutenant: Right! Now look here. We're not going to get anywhere with this ridiculous debate. It's perfectly obvious that if Iraqi soldiers were attacking the United States, they would have most certainly brought tanks and such . . . so can we please just drop it?

[Silence.]

Policeman 3: Perhaps they dismantled the tanks, shipped them over, and need the power tools to reassemble them.

Lieutenant: I said drop it!

[Silence.]

Lieutenant: Has the SWAT team arrived yet?

Policeman 1: Just here, sir.

[Four SWAT team members arrive from off-stage left.]

Lieutenant: Have you men been informed of the situation?

[Team members nod.]

Lieutenant: Right, off you go.

[SWAT team members march off stage right. Various household appliances are heard off-stage (drill, blender, etc.), followed by cursing and swearing, accompanied by a loud, "Stop that! Stop that!" and assorted protests. The SWAT team members re-emerge from off-stage right. Last SWAT team member has iron burns on the back of his uniform. ELF leader throws various kitchen utensils at them from off-stage right.]

Lieutenant [to SWAT team]: Damage report?

SWAT team leader : Most team members are suffering from minor cuts and bruises. One man has been severely burnt by an iron.

[SWAT team member runs in from off-stage.]

SWAT team member: New report! One of our men's been blended, sir!

Lieutenant: Err . . . Right.

[Silence.]

Lieutenant: Uh . . . Has anyone tried asking them what they want?

Policeman 1: Umm . . . no.

Policeman 2: Not me.

Policeman 3: Me either. [To policeman 4.] What about you?

Policeman 4: What? Oh, excuse me, I was just looking at my foot.

[The Lieutenant grabs the megaphone from Policeman 1.]

Lieutenant [Using megaphone.]: Attention you in Sears. This is the police. We have the building surrounded. Please identify yourselves and inform us of what it is that you want.

ELF leader: We can hear you just fine without the megaphone, thank you!

Lieutenant: Oh . . . sorry . . .

[Lieutenant hands the megaphone back to Policeman 1. ELF flag is seen coming from off stage left.]

ELF leader: We are the Erisian Liberation Front. Or E - L - F.

Policeman 1 [Yelling.]: You're not Iraqis?

ELF leader: We are not Iraqis.

Lieutenant [To Policeman 1.]: E - L - F? As in elf? [Louder.] You mean Sears is being besieged by elves? [Louder.] You mean we're being held off by fucking faeries?

ELF leader: We are neither Iraqis nor elves. We are the Erisian Liberation Front and we demand that you immediately abandon your hierarchical ways and revert to a system of total, unmitigated anarchy.

Policeman 1: A what?

ELF leader: Anarchy. A system of total, unmitigated anarchy.

Lieutenant: And if we don't?

ELF leader: We shall accost you with the gardening and lawn repair department.

Lieutenant: Oooohhh, we're frightened now. Quick! Everyone hide! We'll be germinated!

ELF leader: Okay, it wasn't THAT impressive. A-ha! I've got it! If you do not comply, we will release.... THE COW.

Policeman 1: The what?

Lieutenant: Right! Enough of that! [To off-stage left.] Send in the B team!

[Six SWAT team members march on stage from off-stage left to off-stage right.]

Cow: Moooooo!

SWAT team member 1: What the HELL is that?

Farmer: It's a cow. Where were you raised?

SWAT team member 1: But, but, but . . . what's that look in its eyes?

Farmer: I know that look. That's the look of a cow that has tasted [Dramatic music.] Human Blood.

Cow: Moooooo!

SWAT team members [In unison.]: Run Away! Run Away! Leave the baggage!

[Six SWAT team members and one farmer run from off-stage right to off-stage left. Last team member has the seat of his pants half torn off.]

Lieutenant: Right. That didn't work quite as well as expected.

ELF leader: Taste the wrath of the all-powerful rabid cow!

Policeman 4: Well . . . this doesn't say much for the police department.

Lieutenant: Oh shut up!

[Silence.]

Lieutenant: Right. Give up yet?

ELF leader: Nope. You?

Lieutenant: Look . . . the government of the United States of America does not give up!

ELF leader: Uh . . . excuse me. Did you say the United States of America?

Lieutenant: Yes . . . of course. Who else would we be talking about?

ELF leader: You mean . . . this isn't Ingolstadt?

Policeman 1: This isn't what?

Lieutenant: No, this isn't Ingolstadt.

ELF leader: Oh . . . terribly sorry. Must have made a wrong turn at Albuquerque.

Lieutenant: You mean this is all some stupid navigational error?

ELF leader: Umm . . . seems so. I uh . . . don't suppose we could just forget all this ever happened.

Lieutenant: WHAT?!?!? You attack Sears, threaten us with a cow, and blend one of our men . . . and you expect us to just let you go?

ELF leader: Uh well . . . c'mon . . . be a sport.

Lieutenant: Certainly not! We're willing to keep this up for as long as it takes to make you surrender!

ELF leader: Never!

Lieutenant: You know . . . you'll starve eventually.

ELF leader: HA! That's where you're wrong. We have steak!

Cow: Moooooo!

ELF leader: Uh oh . . . down boy . . . stay back! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Lieutenant: Well . . . that's that then. I guess we won't be needing the boys from Macy's after all.

[Lights dim.]

by Adam Fields and Tristan Kromer

Our respectful thanks to Robert Anton Wilson, Bugs Bunny, Ben Edlund, and Sears.